On heavy thoughts, cleaning and not sleeping

Again … I can’t sleep. My mind is heavy with unwanted thoughts. For some reason it seems I can’t escape them. And it bothers me.

I want to be strong. I want them to leave me alone. But today, for some reason, thoughts are swirling in my mind. 

Why? Why tonight of all nights when it was a good day? I got up early, happy to be walking into my studio and look at my design wall where I had pieces in progress. So I sat at the machine and I pieced together the strips that make the piece inspired by the collage I posted a few days ago. Red and yellow with a strip of black and white.

Later in the morning, I was looking at my design wall at the work I did with silk – the one with the golden house, and saw all the leftovers strips and had an idea. Yup, I took a turn – again – and set out to develop this new idea and made a small piece using all the silks. I was channeling my inner Mondrian.

And then I cooked: I made an eggplant and tomato antipasto, cooked some chicken thighs with orange juice and soy sauce, made chimichurri, and also chocolate mousse. 

Then, I vacuumed and cleaned the floors, and then sat on the couch and sewed a sleeve to the back of one of the quilts that I just finished.  All that after putting away all the sketchbooks, magazines and papers that were on the coffee table. I am having company tonight, and although it’s my kids, I thought I should make an effort and tidy up. One drawback of doing that, for me, is that while everything is tidy, it’s “put away”, which means out of sight – and as they say, “out of mind”. I don’t see it, then I don’t think of making any more collages, or working with my images. So guess what? After everyone is done, out it will all come again. Decision made!

So you see? There’s no reason for me not to sleep. No reason for my thoughts not to be happy because I had a good day. But despite it all, here I am. In bed, tossing and turning, trying to sleep.

What to do? What to do? Tonight, I don’t feel like getting up on doing anything, so I’m here in bed, putting my thoughts down on paper. Well, in truth, I’m actually dictating on my phone. That way, I don’t have to look for my glasses. hahaha

I made a decision then and there – I’d banish bad thoughts – or at least make an effort, by thinking about the pieces of work in progress that are percolating on my design wall. They’ve been sitting there for a while and I am not sure how to develop them further. So I thought about it a bit more. And I think I may have a plan. I will cut a tree stencil – it’ll have to be a large one, but I think I can do it. And then I will make another one of a lovely chair. I’ve used this one before, but will make it larger. And then, and then, and then … I don’t remember any more … I think I finally fell asleep, cocooned in darkness and good thoughts of work to come.

Last night I conquered! I managed to finally banish bad thoughts and dream of good things: work to do, stencils to cut, paint to prepare … and in doing so, my mind at ease, I fell asleep. Lesson learned which I hope to remember next time my not-so-happy thoughts invade my mind and rob me of my peace of mind.

It’s a new day, the sun is shining, the kids are coming for dinner. My grandchild will be home soon. No reason to fret. What’s past is best left there: in the past, where it belongs, where it doesn’t deserve any more of my time or energy. Today, I’m renewed.

Thanks for reading my ramblings today. Until I write again, have a wonderful week, full of happy thoughts, great moments, some sun, and creative ideas to develop.

Ana

PS: A reminder that I am teaching at the Saskatchewan Stitches Conference from May 30th to June 6th. If you are in the area, come and visit!